One Month later

Hi Bellah,

I don’t know what heaven is like, but I hope you are resting with the angels, picking flowers often, and I hope each time you see me longing for you, you say a prayer for us. I try not to think about what led to your beautiful self leaving, but…..If tears and heartaches would bring you back, that would be a Lazarus-kind of miracle in the 21^st century.

I look back and wonder. I wish I could have held your hand more. I wanted to take photos from day one of your being born, but I was not sure if phones were allowed in the small incubator area that they had put you in. You lay there, peacefully breathing each day and making small sounds each time we came to see you. I wish I had come more often than twice a day. I wish I knew that the incubator that they had put you in did not have ventilation. I would have transferred you to a hospital with a proper NICU. I was just a naive new mother suffering from high blood pressure with a painful scar, with the hope that after about 8 weeks, I would have my baby with me. The doctors said you were fine, and the surgeon of the day said I was lucky to have given birth to a healthy baby, albeit prematurely.

I still swear that if I had all the resources and was living in the first world, I would have sued the pediatrician and her team in that hospital. I still believe she would have advised me sooner rather than later about the transfer. She had the power, instead of taking you as just another statistic.

I have since forgiven them (but will not forget that they would have done the right thing from the start). It still hurts and aches beyond measurable doubt.

I have learned so much from the Women of preeclampsia Kenya, but those are lessons for another day. Today I celebrate you. We would have been a few weeks closer to holding you in my arms had preeclampsia not knocked at my door. But, it’s been one month since you rested.

Love Mom.

As 2020 comes to a close..

 

2019 is coming to a close, hopeful for 2020, I stand outside staring at the stars, overcome with emotions and finally healing from a severe heartbreak, the stars like my life, seemed like they kept their own memories. When I looked at certain memories, I could see constellations where they related to other memories, beginning to compare the sky with my life.., few years ago, when I was seriously unattached like I am right now, before the 18 carat gold engagement ring with a real stone, a dearest aunt of mine decided that she was going to play cupid. She was going to introduce me to her nephew, sounds complicated, but I am not related to this woman, which means I can actually marry her siblings’ kids’ right? Weird scenario. While my cousins (her kids), had a good laugh at the idea, their mother was dead serious. Barely had the idea settled in my mind than a date was set. While I thought the date was about a brief history on this nephew, my dearest aunt showed up with her sister ‘my future mother in law’, and the sister’s son ‘my future husband to be,……woi! To be continued…..

Besides Trump the entertainer, 2020 came with a virus that had a vengeance towards mankind, l pray the Chinese are currently not eating some live animal as this year draws to a close. Anyway, we soon lean that it’s not about the virus per se, it’s about the stress of being confined at home. It’s about a large part of the people, who due to the current challenging economic crisis and the confinement decreed in the face of the virus adversity, are suffering from fear, loneliness, deep poverty and hunger, and to add salt to injury the other continents are looking at Africa waiting for Africans to die and probably become extinct, that was my thought each time I watched the negativity about Covid and Africa. But God……..

People start losing jobs, and before covid fully hits, you start seeing and hearing strange deaths. Outside my office, a man parks his vehicle with the intention of going to quickly pick something from a shop  only for his own car to roll back and kill him, someone you know has committed suicide, someone lost a sister, a brother, a husband, a wife, and all these cases are not in any way related to Covid 19. I found myself struggling to make sense of the tragedy of death. Perhaps inevitable I found myself in a rabbit warren of unanswerable questions. The only useful conclusion I could arrive at was a philosophical one: I would find a convenient explanations for why we must die, but we are sustained by hope.

Yet covid 19 has become the unfortunate reality that we are still exploring.

Unsurprisingly, the pandemic has not only triggered a wave of mental health issues, but on the positive side, people’s perspective on how to live a healthier lifestyle has increased as well.

Personally I walk out of 2020 having lost some friends and family. Loss of death and loss of friendship combined. There were moments I wished I could hug those who were going through heartaches, I am not good and saying ‘it will be okay’ when a loss has occurred, for I know, that it is never okay, most times hugs and silence does it for me.

If there is a lesson in 2020, it showed us how precious life is, so next year do not let fear win! Book that flight, apply for that opportunity, say ‘I love you’ more. Read those books. Start that business. Stop procrastinating. Unfriend that person, get other friends. Learn that skill. Take that risk and live while you can

I finally managed to get rid of a simple item off my bucket list, I visited the place I grew up in with a once upon a time friend, while I was there and in a moment of imperfection punched someone on the face, while I was busy beating myself to it, I had to go back to remember that mistakes and failures should not define anyone. When you make a mistake just get up and go again, what are you tripping for? You have two choices, You either get over it or die mad.  Just keep living, keep waking up in the morning. I am an Ephesians 3:20 all day long. I expect God to do exceeding and abundantly over all I think and ask because I honor Him. His blessings will chase me down and overtake me. I still remain thankful for next breaths and tomorrow sunrises. 

I have read over 20 books, the 5 AM CLUB, got me (grab a copy, and you will thank me later). I close the year with the book ‘HI, GOD, ITS ME AGAIN by Nicole crank.

Going forward;

Ø  Don’t overthink life. Trust that you made the right decision and continue to grow

Ø  Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being. If not leave the gathering as half-heartedness doesn’t reach majesty

Ø  Dedication and discipline beats brilliance and giftedness every day of the week.

Ø  I have lost a friend whom I thought was my ride or die, not through covid, friendship fades away, and while you are busy punching yourself on what you should have done or not done, life goes on

Ø  It is not your job to rescue people from foolishness.

Ø  Before you expect faithfulness or loyalty from a person, be sure to observe whether they have it in other areas of their life; are they faithful in their job, or trusted by their friends? Virtues like honesty are the core of a person’s character and no one can be selective honest. What you see in one area cuts across their life. If they cheat and cut corners at their job they will do the same in their relationship.

Ø  When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

Ø  Engage with people more than pixels. Looking at a phone is quick and undemanding, texting is easier than talking, it gives you intimacy without danger. But I would rather spend time looking into someone’s eyes when communicating. Replace the text with coffee meetings. Make a promise of presence.

Ø  Take your soul seriously; it is easy to pretend that what we watch and how we speak have no effects on us. But the constant pounding of hatred and dehumanization that marks so much of our media have consequences for our character. Part of who you are is the sum of the influence you choose. You only get one soul; don’t squander it in things unworthy of its majesty.

Ø  Increase your kindness; if you wish to be kind do something good. The great secret of moral growth is that it often begins from the outside. Behave generously even when you do not feel like it and the habit will grow as will your innate quality of kindness.

Ø Choose someone to forgive; all of us have legitimate grievances in our lives. Some people are very had to forgive but you need not begin with the toughest cases. Small acts of grace will grow. The more you forgive, the less the world can injure you; forgiveness is a soft shield for your soul.

Ø In forgiving, include yourself. Leave a dropped stitch in the knitting of your life. There will always be more possibilities to get something wrong than to get it right. Allow yourself the latitude of mistakes, without self-punishing. God is supposed to be perfect, not human beings. Have expectations of yourself, but don’t enforce them with a hammer.

May the next year be kind, with massive breakthroughs, and may all the strongholds be broken, May our good Lord defend His investment in your life.

Don’t plant “THORNS” on my walkway because tomorrow you may visit me barefooted.

#Truth

The truth is, when you continue to chase someone who does not want to be caught, you close yourself off to those who do. You close yourself to the person who wants to know how many sugars you take in your coffee; you close yourself off to the soul that wants nothing more than to hear you singing off-key in the shower for the rest for their lives.  When you continue to beg for the kind of love you have been giving someone all along, you close yourself off to the person who dreams of being your favourite thing; you close yourself off to the person who eagerly awaits a heart like yours – no matter how loudly it beats against your chest, no matter how messy or sensitive or soft it is.  You close yourself off to the person who wants to be your safe place, your refuge; someone who wants to prove to you that love can stay, that love can heal, that love can be balanced, and full and hopeful for once in your life.  When you continue to chase those who do not want to be caught, you rip out pieces of your soul trying to make it fit into the palms of someone who does not want to hold you.  You bankrupt yourself, closing yourself off from the human being who would have been able to see your worth all along; closing yourself off from the human being who would have loved you from the start.

Reflection Tuesday

NOTHING is permanent except God and His promises. The leaves may fall from the trees, and the weather may change, but God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb.13.8)

God, the Unchanging One, is the One who set up the ever-changing seasons of the earth and of our lives. And He knew what He was doing. For one thing, He wanted His people to understand that they do not need to worry about their lives. Whatever is happening is not permanent. God is in charge of all the changes. Therefore, it does not matter what is happening because it cannot last. There will be an end to every crisis.

It does not matter if what is happening seems good to you or if it seems bad because it will change eventually, and your God orchestrates the changing. Seasons are His way of guaranteeing improvement.  This means that seasonal change is one of His most consistent way of bringing hope. This means that you do not throw your hope away, even in the darkest season of your life.  After all, no matter how cold you get in the winter, you always know summer is coming. Likewise, when winter comes, you do not throw away your swim trunks.  You know the summer will come around again.  You know you will need those swim, trunks – but when you jump in the water to go swimming, you will not need the long-sleeved pullover you may have been wearing in the middle of the winter.

In the same way, when a “wintery” economic season comes upon you, do not throw away your bank account, even if it seems useless.  Leave some money in it to keep it open. Why? Because the season is coming when you will be able to add more money to it again.  Everything is seasonal, times of plenty and times of poverty.  Winter never stays. Summer never stays, either.

Both employment and unemployment are seasonal.  If you are unemployed, then a time of employment lies ahead.  If this is the season for you to leave your job, then a better job is up ahead.  You have got to close out one chapter in order to open up the next one.  Most of the time, you have to get ready for a chapter that is bigger and better than the one before.

To everything there is a season. Times of crisis are temporary. This is good.

Just simple

Keep the honest moments close to your heart. The ones that are the most human. When you laugh until your ribs ache with your friends, when you feel stars  exploding inside of you from falling in love, when life breaks you open and those tears of transformation pour like a river from your soul. Life is really quite simple. We get to experience this planet for a brief while. We get to learn how to love ourselves and one another for the strange, messy, and magical creatures we are.  What a gift it is to have a human life. If you look a little closer, there is always something to be grateful for. True gratitude isn’t ignoring the darkness. It’s participating with your whole heart in whatever moment life brings. It’s leaning into the unfolding process and having the courage to need  all of the answers.

Parenting

Children are a blessing. But for some reason God doesn’t always bless everyone with children. Some hope and pray for a family, and God graciously grants their request, sometimes quite miraculously, as in the case of Sarah; others just as fervent in their petitions before God’s throne are met by deafening silence. Every time they see friends praise God for their pregnancies and when they welcome their babies, it deepens the depth of the wound as they consider their empty nest. Even such innocent questions as “How many children do you have?” serve as painful reminders of an exclusive club that those without children are excluded from, even though they may want to join.

Those who have gone through such an experience should come to accept that God understands their sorrow. The psalmist declares of God, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Ps. 56:8, NLT). Even though He seems silent, “the LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him” (Ps. 103:13, NLT).

Other people, meanwhile, for various reasons, might choose simply not to have children. One can understand in a world like ours so full of suffering, pain, evil, and potential calamity, why some might decide not to bring more people into it. In some cases, some people might choose to adopt children instead of having their own; that way they can raise children who are already here, often giving them a chance at a much better life than what they might have otherwise had.

Our world is a complicated place, and we are likely to meet all sorts of people in all sorts of situations in regard to having or not having children. In whatever situation we find ourselves regarding the question of children, we can live with the assurance of God’s love for us and His desire for our good end. At the same time, too, let’s always remember to be as sensitive as we can toward people who, for whatever reasons, do not have kids.

Restoring Damaged People

We are too quick to criticize people because of what they’ve been through in life. In some cases it’s because of what they have done to others, and in some cases because of what others have done to them. If you’ve been to a second-hand shop you know there are quality items at discounted prices; you just have to know what you’re looking for. Jesus does. In His eyes the down-and-out may be ‘down’ but they’re not ‘out’. Peter’s sorrow over denying Jesus ran so deep that he decided to go back to his old job as a fisherman. Can you imagine the gossip around the harbor? ‘That’s him, the guy who turned his back on Jesus.’ Peter eventually became the leader of the New Testament church. But be honest. Would you have voted him in as your pastor, or been willing to listen to anything he had to say? Yet the first person Jesus went looking for after He rose from the dead was Peter. Why? Because He looks beyond our immediate problem and sees our long-term potential. Jesus remembered the words He had spoken to Peter: ‘Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren’ (Luke 22:31-32 NKJV). The foundation principle of practicing medicine is ‘First, do no harm’. When someone is damaged, don’t damage them further. Love them, pray for them, and seek to restore them.

The Royal Love song

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame” (Song of Solomon 8:6, NKJV).

Among the seasons of life, one of the big ones is marriage. Again, not everyone marries, but for those who do, marriage brings special challenges, and special blessings, as well. Among those blessings is the wonderful gift of sexuality. What a powerful expression of love this gift, in the right time and the right place, can be. Contrary to popular opinion, the Bible is not against sex. It’s against the misuse of this wonderful gift from the Creator to human beings.

In fact, the Song of Solomon, one of the smallest and perhaps one of the least-read books of the Bible, describes the relationship between a young bride, Shulamite, and her beloved, who is believed to be King Solomon himself. The book unfolds the mysteries of human intimacy and the delights of conjugal love in marriage. Although the Song of Solomon has frequently been treated allegorically as a symbol of the relationship of God and God’s people or of Christ and the church, it is first of all a poem on the love found in the very real human relationship of a man and woman

Take it to the Lord in prayer

It’s amazing how long we put up with things before we decide to pray about them. The hymn writer says, ‘O what peace we often forfeit; O what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.’ We complain to our friends. We wonder why God doesn’t do something. We wrestle with the situation in our minds, yet we fail to take advantage of the simplest solution there is – prayer. Charles Spurgeon wrote, ‘The desire to commune with God is intensified by the failure of all other sources of consolation.’ We’re all guilty of treating prayer as a last-ditch effort. When you say things like, ‘Nothing else is working. Maybe I should pray about it,’ do you realise what that says about you? That you really don’t understand or believe in the power of prayer as you should. You’re carrying burdens you don’t need to carry, and life is harder than it has to be because you don’t realise how powerful prayer is. If you did, you’d pray about everything – not as a last resort but as a first response. The Bible says, ‘Is anyone among you afflicted (ill-treated, suffering evil)? He should pray.’ When you’ve a problem: pray. When someone hurts you: pray. When you’re sick: pray. When you feel like giving up: pray. When someone you love is suffering: pray. When you’re discouraged: pray. When you don’t know what to do: pray. Jesus, who prayed early in the morning and late at night, said, ‘Whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them’ (Mark 11:24 NKJV). So pray about it.

Sometimes in life

Sometimes in life, we expect a relationship, an event, or a transaction to go smoothly – and then discover that the reality is much different. Conversations and interactions became more complex, nuanced by personal agenda and hidden motives. Maybe we missed the obvious signs because of our own unwillingness to see the truth.  Or maybe we were overconfident in our ability to adjust to change. Regardless of the catalyst, life continuously presents us with moments that force us to revise our expectations and recalculate our present path.

No matter what seems probable or likely to happen, the reality is that we never see all the variables involved in the equation. Only God has a perspective that is constant, never changing, and big enough to encompass all the ups and downs of our journey. We can’t see what’s around the bend or over the next hill, but He can.  Often we’re humbled and forced to confront our limitation when our expectations go unfulfilled.

We can second- guess and plan all we want, but ultimately we cannot control everything that happens in our lives.

Set your standards

Unfortunately, sometimes we conduct our relationships as if we are selling souvenirs on the seashore. We haggle, we negotiate, we compromise – too fearful of being alone to stand firm on the value of our worth. Why do we insist on giving ourselves away? Offering up pieces of ourselves so that someone gets us at a steal? I don’t know about you, but I want to be valued.

If you don’t see yourself as a gift, then who will? We must set our standards and hold firm on our price. It’s better to walk away than to lower our self-worth to less than its actual value.

What are your expectations, your standards? In other words, what’s your price?

Have you shared those expectations with others? We get upset when people do not live up to the standards we set, but often we have not even given them the courtesy of letting them know the standards exist.

Likewise, we cannot get caught up trying to meet the standards of others and fail to birth the vision God has for us. God has placed talents and gifts inside of us – and He has plans for us to make the best use of those talents and gifts. Our faith teaches us that taking a stand to reach our goals may have a cost.

There are some things in life that should be non negotiable. Your character, your self-esteem, your ambition are the things that make you, YOU! If someone wants to be in your life, you owe it to them to let them know up front what you will and will not compromise on.

And if you have not considered the boundaries of your worth, then others will attempt to lower them for you. Some people do this to feel better about themselves; others do it because they want to control you or manipulate circumstances. Regardless of how it happens, the place to begin defending against is this kind of price reduction is within. No one can force you to sell yourself short if you’re aware of your true worth.

Always..

You don’t have to chase people down or convince them to be in your life. God will bring the right people at the perfect time. Don’t spend a lifetime holding yourself back because others do not want to go with you.  If it comes down to following them or pursuing your destiny, make the right decision.

Most times

You cannot let your life be dictated by the reaction of others, though. Ultimately God has preordained your future, and He doesn’t need the lives of your friends to parallel everything. He has planned for you.  Don’t handcuff someone to your dream. They don’t have to believe with you or cheer for you if God is with you.  It may be lonely at times, but He will provide the right relationships at the right time. Don’t be afraid to release old friendships into God’s hands in order to follow the calling he has placed on our life.